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Relationship Tune-Ups

Get More... Satisfaction

Want Less Stress in Your Life? Start Here!

Tips for Well-Being in Tough Economic Times

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Relationship Tune-Up

What's the maintenance schedule on your car? Every six months? Once a year? How often do you wash your car? Buff it up? Change the oil?

Many couples treat their relationship like a car that never runs out of gas, or never needs a wash, oil change or tune-up. Some people don't even know how to use the accelerator or brake, or the steering wheel of their 'relationship car.' Others have a power struggle over who's driving 'the car,' or drive 'from the back seat.' These are all relationship disasters waiting to happen. Don't let it happen to you!

Don't let your relationship 'crash' or 'languish on the side of the road.'

Here are some tips for relationship maintenance:

Don't part in the morning without a kiss (a peck doesn't count -- we want the real thing here!). Same thing when you meet at the end of the day.
Think about your partner in positive terms -- at least five times a day. Can't remember? Set your personal alarm, blackberry, or computer to remind you! What do you love about your partner, appreciate about them? Better yet -- let them know! Do you like texting? et adept at sending mini love letters (warning: don't use texts as a dumping ground of emotional upset. It'll backfire)
Every day, do something kind for your partner... and every day, say thank you for the kind things your partner does for you
Show some affection. Hug, hold, grab, touch, play with heach other. Every day, for at least five minutes.
Learn to recognize that each of you is a different person. That means you see things differently, and that doesn't mean one person is right and the other is wrong
Learn how to repair the disagreements. Quickly.
Every week, have a 'housecleaning' to clear up any misunderstandings and relationship dust-bunnines that have accumulated during the week, and share the closeness that comes from sharing together
Have at least two hours of fun time together every week. Just the two of you. Without the kids. No in-laws either.
Talk about your hopes, dreams and longings. Then work towards fulfilling each other's dreams. Intimacy won't be created if one person's dreams are met while the other's are squashed in the process.
Remember, there's always time to be kind!

Get More.... Satisfaction

You can increase the satisfaction you experience in any area of your life by three simple steps:

Know what gives you satisfaction
Do it... with conscious awareness
Tell yourself and others afterwards

Sounds easy, right? It's simple, but if it were that easy, we'd all be doing it. Call Fran to help you identify areas in your life where you can boost your satisfation, and find practical, meaningful ways to put it into action.

Want Less Stress in Your Life? Start Here!

Quit complaining. It's a waste of energy. Take that energy and put it into something you value.
Pay attention to where you're putting your energy. Wherever you invest emotional energy, you're liable to get more of the same.
Enhance your self-awareness. If you're starting to feel a bit 'off,' take it as your cue to take immediate action, so you prevent crabby behavior.
Stop judging others, blaming, or criticizing. It doesn't help anyone, including you. It also stops you from knowing yourself. Focus instead on what you can change in yourself.
Surround yourself with positive supporters
Worry is a waste of time. If you find yourself worrying about things over which you have no control, it's completely non-productive. Spend your time and energy on things you can do something about.
Celebrate the positive things in your life. Problems are meant to be vehicles for learning, not a way of life.
Know what kind of life you wnat to live. Live with a purpose. It will give you a fresh perspective to everything!

Fran recognizes that for most of us, these goals are hard to attain. All of us have obstacles that get in the way of living life the way we really want. Through careful and supportive listening, Fran can help you identify your strengths, understand yourself more deeply, and help you get on the path of reducing the stress, and increasing the meaning in your life -- regardless of your life circumstances.

Tips for Well-Being in Tough Economic Times

The Canadian Mental Health Association (April 24, 2009) offers five tips for well-being in tough economic times:

Invest in your family: Pay attention to the mental health of those closest to you. Share a warm meal and some kind words. Listen to each other. Be honest and open with each other about the stress in your life. If you have children, discuss finances with them. Don’t scare them. Help them understand the household budget and how you plan to deal with the challenges.
Invest in your friends: Reach out to your friends. In times of economic stress, sharing challenges with friends is healthy. They might have insights into your challenges. You might have insights into theirs. And remember to laugh. Friendships are built on laughter.
Invest in your community: When you join or volunteer with community groups, clubs and organizations, you feel a part of something bigger. You feel connected to a place and to a network of people. It’s a good way to build personal and collective resilience in difficult times.
Invest in your workplace: While the workplace can be a source of stress, it can also provide you with positive networks, good friends, and professional contacts. Take the lead to open lines ofo communication. Build supportive relationships with all people in your workplace, including employees, employers and even clients. Employee and Family Assistance Programs, if you have access to them, can help you access help such as career planning, financial counseling, or help with relationships.
Invest in yourself: One of the most effective ways to reduce stress is to take control of the situation. Take positive actions. But if you are really feeling overwhelmed, get help. Don’t wait for your stress to become a crisis. Address the big things that are causing you stress and treat them as problems with a range of solutions. Brainstorm a range of solutions, then talk it over with your support network, or even a professional, to determine a small change or step you can make. Other ways to invest in yourself and reduce stress are to find a spirituality to call your own, and to never underestimate the importance of eating well; monitoring your use of alcohol, tobacco, caffeine and other drugs; and committing to regular exercise even if it’s a short walk.

“It’s the things we know we should do, but that often are the first to fall by the wayside when we feel stressed – and we know our sleep and physical health can all suffer as a result,” says Bev Gutray. “Self care isn’t a luxury. It’s how we put fuel in our tanks.”

Published Articles

Love, Cherry Pie and Valentines Day, article in the Comox Valley Record, February 10th, 2012. http://issuu.com/cvrecord/docs/cvrn120210

Every year for the 52 years of their marriage, my mother made cherry pie, with a lattice top, for my father for Valentine’s Day.   Served warm, with a large scoop of vanilla ice cream, of course. Valentine’s Day was the only day of the year there was cherry pie at our house. Sometimes it was fake cherry pie, made of raisins and cranberries. I wonder what the significance of that was!

I was never quite sure what my gentle, quiet father did for my mother for Valentine’s Day. Yes, sometimes roses appeared, but that was rare because we lived on the farm, didn’t have much money, and roses were pretty exotic, expensive, and demanded a trip to the city. What my father did, though, was ramp up the attention and the affection.

As a kid growing up, this was magical. I looked forward to Valentine’s Day, not because of the cards I’d give as a child (and hope to get at least some back) or the teenage dance at school (that I’d painfully sit through, both hoping someone would, and hoping nobody would, ask me to dance). I looked forward to how it felt at home – somehow, this was a day when everyone in our family was cherished.   Hugs, smiles, acknowledgment, encouragement. What a feeling! I wished it would last forever.

My parents were married for 52 years. Even that last Valentine’s Day¸ my father in a nursing home with alzheimer’s disease, my mother’s arthritic hands made cherry pie (albeit with a frozen pie crust), and my father gazed lovingly at her, tears in his eyes. Over the years, I have asked my parents what made their relationship work – especially as my own weren’t always rock solid. Their marriage was by no means perfect – they had lots of challenges, too, but somehow they managed to treat each other respectfully, no matter what. They didn’t give me a lot of advice, but one of the keys was that they accepted each other as they were, rather than trying to change the other person.

Here are ten tips to cherish your partner. Not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day of the year.

1. Don’t part in the morning without a kiss (a peck doesn’t count – we want the real thing here!). Same thing when you meet again at the end of the day;
2. Think about your partner in positive terms – at least five times a day. What you love about them, how you appreciate them. Better yet – let them know!   Do you like texting? Get adept at sending mini love-letters
3. Every day, do something kind for your partner…. And every day, say thank you for the kind things your partner does for you
4. Show some affection every day. Hug, hold, touch, play with each other. Every day, for at least five minutes
5. Learn to recognize that each of you is a different person. That means you see things differently, and that doesn’t mean one person is right and the other is wrong.
6. Learn how to repair the disagreements. Quickly.
7. Every week, have a ‘housecleaning’ to clear up any misunderstandings and relationship dust-bunnies that have accumulated during the week.
8. Every week, have at least two hours of fun activity together. Without the kids. No in-laws either.
9. Talk about your hopes, dreams and longings. Then work towards fulfilling each other’s dreams. It’s not fair if one person’s dreams are met while the other’s are squashed or ignored.
10. Remember there’s always time to be kind!

Internet Resources

Kids Help Phone www.kidshelphone.ca 1-800-668-6868 . 24-hour, toll-free confidential phone and web counseling and information for children and youth.

www.Cybertip.ca Canada’s national tipline for on-line reporting of childhood sexual exploitation. Owned and operated by the Canadian Centre for Child Protection, a non-profit charitable organization dedicated to the personal safety of children. Site has information on internet safety and age-specific tips for parents.

www.bullying.org A site dedicated to information on dealing with bullying behaviors.

Centre for Suicide Prevention www.suicideinfo.ca- Links to crisis lines across North America, and information on suicide prevention and research

www.health.gov.bc.ca/mhd/infoline - BC Health, Mental Health and Addictions. Information and toll-free contacts for alcohol and drug information and resources, B.C. nurse line, mental health information and resources, problem gambling help line, and disordered eating.

www.bcresponsiblegaming.ca - information and support for problem gambling. Help line 1-888-795-6111 (24 hrs)

www.cmha.bc.ca Canadian Mental Health Association offers information and resources on health and well-being.

Boys & Girls Clubs of Canada Community-based programs for youth with opportunities and experiences that allow them to pursue their interests, discover their abilities and follow their dreams.

Parents Together - Boys & Girls Clubs of Canada A mutual help/support program for parents experiencing parent/teen conflict or concerned with their teen's behaviour.

BC Ministry of Children & Family Development Government programs and services for children and youth.

www.handinhandparenting.com A wealth of resources, consultations, and information for parents

www.yoursocialworker.com A collection of articles on parenting and family life written by Gary Direnfeld

www.couplesinstitute.com offers regular articles for couples, as well as tips and resources

www.gottman.com is the site for John Gottman, where he summarizes his research on marriage, offers tips and resources

www.bc-counsellors.org is the official website for the B.C. Association of Clinical Counsellors.

www.ccpa-accp.ca is the official website for the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association

www.sexualityandu.ca is an educational site

www.texttheromance.com offers hints for increasing intimacy in our relationship through text messaging

www.keystoneeldercare.com offers information and supports for caring for elderly parents

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